Such a poignant, personal piece. Thank you - it is different from others in that respect. I so appreciate it. Also so much to unpack here- Part 1: First, the pain and confusion around who we are when we are not longer primarily caring for children, as in feeding them and listening for their footsteps on the stairs at night. Full disclosure, I'm 71 and my children are 39 and 36, so I experienced this a long time ago. But the most helpful thing was to think of them as only coming THROUGH me. They are not me. I am not them. I was the vehicle through which they came into the world . I was the steward of their well-being for 18 - 20 years. It's like watching a butterfly come out of its chrysalis. I had to let them go. And I had to then come out of my own chrysalis and I truly believe that how I cared for myself was the greatest lessons I gave my children. Carl Jung (another full disclosure, I am a follower.) once said, "The most damaging thing for children are the un-lived lives of the parents." I took that to heart. Part II: We just moved to Italy. We decided to do this in 2023 before that idiot was even running, I guess. But god, we are so happy to be the fuck out of there. Life IS SO MUCH better (okay, for us!) and I know that comment will make people mad and uncomfortable. I understand that many Americans simply cannot or choose to not leave - like my 94-year old mother, for example. And there are costs. It's not free to make this move. But we VERY much did it for the much lower cost of living as we approach retirement. We VERY much did it for the beauty, the culture, the art, the community values. We paid the costs to make it happen. If you are interested, just keep moving in that direction. Your soul is telling you something. And your daughter is going to be a grown up very soon and she is watching you. How are you honoring yourself? Are you creating a mausoleum where you maintain her "childhood bedroom" so she feels comfortable? It's not your job to make her comfortable anymore. You can love her and encourage her, but the days of making her comfortable are over. It's her job to feel agency in the world and build strength. And watching you role model that is vastly more powerful than keeping things easy for her at this stage. Follow your heart. I"m guessing that is what you would tell her.
Oh my gosh Alecia, thank you for taking the time to write such a beautifully articulated and thoughtful response. I feel like I just had a therapy session! What do I owe you? Haha. Seriously, I appreciate you words so much and I will need to re-read them many times in the next few months as I get close to my move. You are very wise, every word deeply resonates. Thank you!
I love the honesty of your post! As someone whose mom and dad moved abroad at the same time she did, and who has lost both of them abroad as well, I will counsel you this in response to your guilt and concerns about leaving your daughter. Your home will always be her home. No matter where you are in the world. My mom always made sure she had a two bedroom so that there was always a bedroom for me, no matter where she was. That was good enough for me. I didn't need her to remain in Canada.
That said, one big tip, please make sure you always have good health insurance or access to good healthcare wherever you go. Losing both my parents with neither of them having health insurance was absolute torture for me. I wrote an article about it, you can check it out on my substack if you're interested!
I lived in California for 10 years. My husband is from there. My son was born there. But 9 months ago, we moved back to my home town on an island in Canada. It’s the best thing I’ve done for my nervous system in years. Several of my chronic health symptoms simply dissolved. I hope moving brings you peace as well. Sending love as you navigate it.
This was raw and beautifully honest—thank you for putting it out there. Glad I found it in my recommended Substack section. So much of what you wrote echoes why my wife and I are leaving too. It’s not about chasing some Instagrammable version of “abroad,” it’s about finally stepping off the hamster wheel and choosing something more intentional, even if it’s uncertain.
We’re documenting our own slow, deliberate move to Italy—two teens, one dog, and a pile of checklists—in my own little corner of Substack, CaesarTheDay. It’s part planning manual, part therapy session, part middle finger to the myth of the American Dream. Really appreciate your voice—hope more people find it before booking a one-way flight with zero clue.
Hi Karen, your story is compelling & well-written! If you haven’t already, check out Rocco Pendola’s Substack. He touches on many similar themes and recently moved from LA to Valencia.
"As an adult I have lived with a quiet directive in my mind: Watch for signs that it’s 1930’s Germany again. Be vigilant. Know when it’s time to go."
I relate to that quote so much. I feel like I've been on high alert for the next Nazi regime my entire life. The only difference is that for me, it's encoded as "know when it's time to fight." That's resulted in me finding my authentic voice and starting my Substack. Generational trauma manifests in many ways.
I wish you success in your adventure. Looking forward to reading part 3.
thank you so much jeff! it's so validating to hear that someone else gets that, even if your response is different. yeah i sometimes wonder why flight always wins for me over fight but hey, it's a 33.333% chance that's the case, if we add in freeze, the other response to our nervous system getting triggered. part 3 coming saturday! and nice to meet another therapist here! :)
Karen, I was very happy to have met you today at Gregory's gathering. I think all of these are valid points, and I remember you mentioned some of them today. I resonate a lot with #4, as my mother is incapable of genuine empathy as well, and not surprisingly, has been supporting Trump and his cruel policy of deportation, etc. She also liked Reagan because he was "handsome" 🙄
Re: the guilt part, I wanted to share that when I finally had a chance to leave home (Hong Kong) for college in the U.S., I was so happy! I'm not sure how exactly my parents felt at that time. They might have felt worried and anxious, but guilt? I don't think so. They felt it was important for me to pursue my dream of studying in America. And I did have some medical emergencies and procedures during my years at college. But as a young adult, I was able to deal with things, even though I was new to the country. So I think what you were arriving at today at the meeting was something valuable and worth diving into.
Thank you! It was so lovely to meet you as well! Yeah it's fascinating to me the way empathy informs our politics - or worse - doesn't. LOL re Reagan and being handsome. I think there's a lot of truth to good looking people getting votes. Thank you for what you shared re guilt. It's helpful. I grew up with a Jewish mother so I have a PhD in guilt. ;)
You made me laugh with your phD in guilt. I suppose I have one too as I grew up with Chinese parents. Their MO is guilt tripping. But I have downgraded to a masters degree in guilt now, LOL!
"It doesn’t matter that I’m not the “target.” If one person can be taken, we’re all at risk."
So many great lines in this very honest post but I guess this one stood out the most. Totally aggree!
Most of the population is complacent, perhaps hoping things will change without them having to do anything. You won't wait for that, because you know if won't happen. You are the wise one. You go girl!
Karen, thank you so much for writing this. Numbers 3&4 resonated deeply; I am not Jewish but studied the Holocaust and WWII (and international law, which included the histories of genocides globally). We are an interracial family who left in 2022, as we could feel and sense what was coming. I will read your part 1 as well. Check out The Conscientious Emigrant, where we write on these issues.
thank you elizabeth! yes i think studying genocides can teach us that "othering" is arbitrary - it's whomever those in power decide is the problem at any given moment in history. jews are just one among so many.
Interesting stuff and I relate to so much of it. I left the U.S. with my family for Sweden in 2019 because I saw where things were going. It was a hard decision to make and I resented that I had to make it all. The country has failed us all. Will be following your journey with great interest.
Thank you so much, Laura. I think you are quite wise to have seen where this was all going back in 2019. How do you like Sweden? Why did you choose it and is life good for you all there?
I did it the classic way: My husband is Swedish and our two kids are half-Swedish, so we easily qualified for residency and I became a citizen last year. The transition was very smooth and all four of us were happier for it (how often does that happen?). To my great good luck, 100% of Swedes speak perfect English, which certainly helped. There are some negatives: Longggg winters, icy sidewalks, impossible banking, expensive housing, but for us it all balances out. I can’t wait to hear where you end up. Keep me posted!
Oh that's so nice to hear! I'm glad you're all happy there. I have heard of the long winters but despite that it sounds like it's been a great move for you! I'm heading to Lisbon in September. I don't know anyone and I'm in the midst of applying for the digital nomad visa so I can work from there. It will be an adventure for sure!
Also Karen, it would be interesting to hear more about how you transitioned into becoming a therapist on a remote basis. Of course, you may not be inclined to share that info - I understand. But it seems like an interesting & strategic change and others besides me may be interested in hearing more about it. Thanks!
thank you doug! it's not much of a story - the pandemic hit, therapy transitioned to zoom and for many people they realized the convenience of that and how many more clinicians they could choose from. i just never went back to in-person and that's true for many colleagues i know. but it's great bc it allowed me to move to new york and soon to portugal! :) but i can definitely fit it into a future post, thanks for the suggestion!
I believe you are considering Portugal for your expat choice of relocation. If so, I will pass along my experience. I’ve been visiting Portugal for over 30 years and became enchanted with it. I married a woman whose parents were Portuguese-Chinese from Macau which is how I was introduced to the culture. After J-9, I became determined to get a Golden Visa. I got the application in just under the wire before the rules changed and I’m still waiting for approval for temporary residency over 2-1/2 years later. The bureaucracy in Portugal is notoriously slow so get used to it. The Portuguese people are the friendliest you’ll ever meet, but they are reserved and establishing friendships will not come easy. Learning the language has been extremely challenging for me. I’m in an intensive online course currently but it’s still hard. Attempting to speak the language will be received warmly. It’s a fantastic country full of charms and one of the safest in Western Europe. There’s a decent expat community that makes effort to reach out to fellow Americans and which includes the Democratic Party. Lots of Brits too, though Brexit has harmed their pocketbook just like Chump will to us. If you end up in Portugal, parabéns.
thank you so much for sharing all of this, frank! what expat communities do you recommend? yes regarding the bureaucracy i have heard and it sounds daunting! i just started with an online course to learn the language. i'm excited but yes have heard that it's not the easiest to learn. i accept the challenge! :)
Once you decide where you will be living within Portugal, you should look locally. You’ll find more Americans in Lisboa and the Algarve than other parts of Portugal. You also should consider looking at expats in general and not necessarily American expats. The Brits have a long relationship with the Portuguese and have a more developed expat community in Portugal.
I don't blame you for leaving. I finally plan on getting my passport this year in 2025. After putting it off for a few years. I myself have a developmental disability and was given a very hard way to go especially after I finished high school. Because I wasn't offered all the services I needed to gain independence from my father, besides being enrolled in a crappy vocational rehab program that didn't do much to help me, I slipped through the cracks. This year is the year I plan on fulfilling my goals and save more money. I realized early on that I must do for myself instead of relying on a broken system. It's bad enough that I had a rough childhood here in the US and am estranged from most of my family as an adult. I'm tired of being lonely and I sure as hell do not want to grow old in this country. I don't have a safety net once my dad passes away. I can't move in with any of my other relatives because they're either struggling or they want to settle down with their partners. This is especially true for two of my younger cousins. Some of them work weekends just to make ends meet or to make sure they can afford to finish paying the mortgage on their homes. I'm currently in my early 30s. I'm thinking long term. What's gonna happen once I reach my 40s, 50s or 60s? I don't want to spend the next few decades on the streets just because some dysfunctional relatives of mine refuse to take me in even if they know about my disability. At the end of the day, I will end up going to an Asian country. This year, I gotta earn more and save more. I also hope to get married abroad too.
Really powerful piece, Karen, and it hits so much harder having met you in Gregory's chat. I await part 3 though I of course know (I think) where you've opted to go.
thank you daniel! i really appreciate that you liked it. and yes you do have the inside scoop on that, though I have a post coming out in the morning with the big reveal (lol like anyone cares). anyway thanks and hope to see you at the next Living Elsewhere gathering! :)
Such a poignant, personal piece. Thank you - it is different from others in that respect. I so appreciate it. Also so much to unpack here- Part 1: First, the pain and confusion around who we are when we are not longer primarily caring for children, as in feeding them and listening for their footsteps on the stairs at night. Full disclosure, I'm 71 and my children are 39 and 36, so I experienced this a long time ago. But the most helpful thing was to think of them as only coming THROUGH me. They are not me. I am not them. I was the vehicle through which they came into the world . I was the steward of their well-being for 18 - 20 years. It's like watching a butterfly come out of its chrysalis. I had to let them go. And I had to then come out of my own chrysalis and I truly believe that how I cared for myself was the greatest lessons I gave my children. Carl Jung (another full disclosure, I am a follower.) once said, "The most damaging thing for children are the un-lived lives of the parents." I took that to heart. Part II: We just moved to Italy. We decided to do this in 2023 before that idiot was even running, I guess. But god, we are so happy to be the fuck out of there. Life IS SO MUCH better (okay, for us!) and I know that comment will make people mad and uncomfortable. I understand that many Americans simply cannot or choose to not leave - like my 94-year old mother, for example. And there are costs. It's not free to make this move. But we VERY much did it for the much lower cost of living as we approach retirement. We VERY much did it for the beauty, the culture, the art, the community values. We paid the costs to make it happen. If you are interested, just keep moving in that direction. Your soul is telling you something. And your daughter is going to be a grown up very soon and she is watching you. How are you honoring yourself? Are you creating a mausoleum where you maintain her "childhood bedroom" so she feels comfortable? It's not your job to make her comfortable anymore. You can love her and encourage her, but the days of making her comfortable are over. It's her job to feel agency in the world and build strength. And watching you role model that is vastly more powerful than keeping things easy for her at this stage. Follow your heart. I"m guessing that is what you would tell her.
Oh my gosh Alecia, thank you for taking the time to write such a beautifully articulated and thoughtful response. I feel like I just had a therapy session! What do I owe you? Haha. Seriously, I appreciate you words so much and I will need to re-read them many times in the next few months as I get close to my move. You are very wise, every word deeply resonates. Thank you!
My deep pleasure. And if you ever want to talk expat life, I’d love that! Thank You for inspiring me to comment!
yes i'd love that! once i leave the US in September I'm sure I'll need that!
Great! Standing by! 😂
I love the honesty of your post! As someone whose mom and dad moved abroad at the same time she did, and who has lost both of them abroad as well, I will counsel you this in response to your guilt and concerns about leaving your daughter. Your home will always be her home. No matter where you are in the world. My mom always made sure she had a two bedroom so that there was always a bedroom for me, no matter where she was. That was good enough for me. I didn't need her to remain in Canada.
That said, one big tip, please make sure you always have good health insurance or access to good healthcare wherever you go. Losing both my parents with neither of them having health insurance was absolute torture for me. I wrote an article about it, you can check it out on my substack if you're interested!
I lived in California for 10 years. My husband is from there. My son was born there. But 9 months ago, we moved back to my home town on an island in Canada. It’s the best thing I’ve done for my nervous system in years. Several of my chronic health symptoms simply dissolved. I hope moving brings you peace as well. Sending love as you navigate it.
Wow Nicky that is so inspiring! Gosh I hope that happens for me too! Sounds like you made the move at a perfect time! 💕
I hope so too. 💗
This was raw and beautifully honest—thank you for putting it out there. Glad I found it in my recommended Substack section. So much of what you wrote echoes why my wife and I are leaving too. It’s not about chasing some Instagrammable version of “abroad,” it’s about finally stepping off the hamster wheel and choosing something more intentional, even if it’s uncertain.
We’re documenting our own slow, deliberate move to Italy—two teens, one dog, and a pile of checklists—in my own little corner of Substack, CaesarTheDay. It’s part planning manual, part therapy session, part middle finger to the myth of the American Dream. Really appreciate your voice—hope more people find it before booking a one-way flight with zero clue.
Hi Karen, your story is compelling & well-written! If you haven’t already, check out Rocco Pendola’s Substack. He touches on many similar themes and recently moved from LA to Valencia.
Thank you Doug! I will! 😊🙏
"As an adult I have lived with a quiet directive in my mind: Watch for signs that it’s 1930’s Germany again. Be vigilant. Know when it’s time to go."
I relate to that quote so much. I feel like I've been on high alert for the next Nazi regime my entire life. The only difference is that for me, it's encoded as "know when it's time to fight." That's resulted in me finding my authentic voice and starting my Substack. Generational trauma manifests in many ways.
I wish you success in your adventure. Looking forward to reading part 3.
thank you so much jeff! it's so validating to hear that someone else gets that, even if your response is different. yeah i sometimes wonder why flight always wins for me over fight but hey, it's a 33.333% chance that's the case, if we add in freeze, the other response to our nervous system getting triggered. part 3 coming saturday! and nice to meet another therapist here! :)
Karen, I was very happy to have met you today at Gregory's gathering. I think all of these are valid points, and I remember you mentioned some of them today. I resonate a lot with #4, as my mother is incapable of genuine empathy as well, and not surprisingly, has been supporting Trump and his cruel policy of deportation, etc. She also liked Reagan because he was "handsome" 🙄
Re: the guilt part, I wanted to share that when I finally had a chance to leave home (Hong Kong) for college in the U.S., I was so happy! I'm not sure how exactly my parents felt at that time. They might have felt worried and anxious, but guilt? I don't think so. They felt it was important for me to pursue my dream of studying in America. And I did have some medical emergencies and procedures during my years at college. But as a young adult, I was able to deal with things, even though I was new to the country. So I think what you were arriving at today at the meeting was something valuable and worth diving into.
Thank you! It was so lovely to meet you as well! Yeah it's fascinating to me the way empathy informs our politics - or worse - doesn't. LOL re Reagan and being handsome. I think there's a lot of truth to good looking people getting votes. Thank you for what you shared re guilt. It's helpful. I grew up with a Jewish mother so I have a PhD in guilt. ;)
You made me laugh with your phD in guilt. I suppose I have one too as I grew up with Chinese parents. Their MO is guilt tripping. But I have downgraded to a masters degree in guilt now, LOL!
haha i have to find out where i can return my PhD for a master's!
😅😅😅
So moving--I am also Jewish and more and more it appears that Trump and Musk's choices echo the past in horrifying ways.
Terrifying right? Ooof.
"It doesn’t matter that I’m not the “target.” If one person can be taken, we’re all at risk."
So many great lines in this very honest post but I guess this one stood out the most. Totally aggree!
Most of the population is complacent, perhaps hoping things will change without them having to do anything. You won't wait for that, because you know if won't happen. You are the wise one. You go girl!
Thanks Debbie! I’m glad it resonated with you!
Karen, thank you so much for writing this. Numbers 3&4 resonated deeply; I am not Jewish but studied the Holocaust and WWII (and international law, which included the histories of genocides globally). We are an interracial family who left in 2022, as we could feel and sense what was coming. I will read your part 1 as well. Check out The Conscientious Emigrant, where we write on these issues.
thank you elizabeth! yes i think studying genocides can teach us that "othering" is arbitrary - it's whomever those in power decide is the problem at any given moment in history. jews are just one among so many.
Thanks so much for this! It resonated so deeply with me.
oh i’m so glad to hear that! it’s comforting to know others are feeling this stuff too.
Interesting stuff and I relate to so much of it. I left the U.S. with my family for Sweden in 2019 because I saw where things were going. It was a hard decision to make and I resented that I had to make it all. The country has failed us all. Will be following your journey with great interest.
Thank you so much, Laura. I think you are quite wise to have seen where this was all going back in 2019. How do you like Sweden? Why did you choose it and is life good for you all there?
I did it the classic way: My husband is Swedish and our two kids are half-Swedish, so we easily qualified for residency and I became a citizen last year. The transition was very smooth and all four of us were happier for it (how often does that happen?). To my great good luck, 100% of Swedes speak perfect English, which certainly helped. There are some negatives: Longggg winters, icy sidewalks, impossible banking, expensive housing, but for us it all balances out. I can’t wait to hear where you end up. Keep me posted!
Oh that's so nice to hear! I'm glad you're all happy there. I have heard of the long winters but despite that it sounds like it's been a great move for you! I'm heading to Lisbon in September. I don't know anyone and I'm in the midst of applying for the digital nomad visa so I can work from there. It will be an adventure for sure!
So exciting! Everyone I know who is in Lisbon is very happy. I think it will be great.
Also Karen, it would be interesting to hear more about how you transitioned into becoming a therapist on a remote basis. Of course, you may not be inclined to share that info - I understand. But it seems like an interesting & strategic change and others besides me may be interested in hearing more about it. Thanks!
thank you doug! it's not much of a story - the pandemic hit, therapy transitioned to zoom and for many people they realized the convenience of that and how many more clinicians they could choose from. i just never went back to in-person and that's true for many colleagues i know. but it's great bc it allowed me to move to new york and soon to portugal! :) but i can definitely fit it into a future post, thanks for the suggestion!
I believe you are considering Portugal for your expat choice of relocation. If so, I will pass along my experience. I’ve been visiting Portugal for over 30 years and became enchanted with it. I married a woman whose parents were Portuguese-Chinese from Macau which is how I was introduced to the culture. After J-9, I became determined to get a Golden Visa. I got the application in just under the wire before the rules changed and I’m still waiting for approval for temporary residency over 2-1/2 years later. The bureaucracy in Portugal is notoriously slow so get used to it. The Portuguese people are the friendliest you’ll ever meet, but they are reserved and establishing friendships will not come easy. Learning the language has been extremely challenging for me. I’m in an intensive online course currently but it’s still hard. Attempting to speak the language will be received warmly. It’s a fantastic country full of charms and one of the safest in Western Europe. There’s a decent expat community that makes effort to reach out to fellow Americans and which includes the Democratic Party. Lots of Brits too, though Brexit has harmed their pocketbook just like Chump will to us. If you end up in Portugal, parabéns.
thank you so much for sharing all of this, frank! what expat communities do you recommend? yes regarding the bureaucracy i have heard and it sounds daunting! i just started with an online course to learn the language. i'm excited but yes have heard that it's not the easiest to learn. i accept the challenge! :)
Sure. A good place to start is Democrats Abroad Portugal https://www.democratsabroad.org/pt
Once you decide where you will be living within Portugal, you should look locally. You’ll find more Americans in Lisboa and the Algarve than other parts of Portugal. You also should consider looking at expats in general and not necessarily American expats. The Brits have a long relationship with the Portuguese and have a more developed expat community in Portugal.
I don't blame you for leaving. I finally plan on getting my passport this year in 2025. After putting it off for a few years. I myself have a developmental disability and was given a very hard way to go especially after I finished high school. Because I wasn't offered all the services I needed to gain independence from my father, besides being enrolled in a crappy vocational rehab program that didn't do much to help me, I slipped through the cracks. This year is the year I plan on fulfilling my goals and save more money. I realized early on that I must do for myself instead of relying on a broken system. It's bad enough that I had a rough childhood here in the US and am estranged from most of my family as an adult. I'm tired of being lonely and I sure as hell do not want to grow old in this country. I don't have a safety net once my dad passes away. I can't move in with any of my other relatives because they're either struggling or they want to settle down with their partners. This is especially true for two of my younger cousins. Some of them work weekends just to make ends meet or to make sure they can afford to finish paying the mortgage on their homes. I'm currently in my early 30s. I'm thinking long term. What's gonna happen once I reach my 40s, 50s or 60s? I don't want to spend the next few decades on the streets just because some dysfunctional relatives of mine refuse to take me in even if they know about my disability. At the end of the day, I will end up going to an Asian country. This year, I gotta earn more and save more. I also hope to get married abroad too.
thank you for sharing this, jessica. your concerns are valid. i wish you luck in your country of choice! :)
Really powerful piece, Karen, and it hits so much harder having met you in Gregory's chat. I await part 3 though I of course know (I think) where you've opted to go.
thank you daniel! i really appreciate that you liked it. and yes you do have the inside scoop on that, though I have a post coming out in the morning with the big reveal (lol like anyone cares). anyway thanks and hope to see you at the next Living Elsewhere gathering! :)